PETER DICK, THE OFFICE
EXHIBITIONIST
FADE
IN:
INT.
OFFICE - DAY
(TWO DESKS. WATER FOUNTAIN,
FILING CABINET
AGAINST A WALL. PETER
AT HIS DESK,
RECLINING
WITH HIS HANDS CLASPED BEHIND
HIS HEAD. ON HIS DESK
ARE A CUP WITH MANY
LONG PENCILS, A MINIATURE
EIFFEL TOWER,
AND TWO SHINY METAL
BALLS. MALE EMPLOYEE#1
STANDS A DISTANCE
AWAY, READING A REPORT.
AS FEMALE EMPLOYEE#1
ENTERS WITH A FOLDER,
PETER TURNS TO FACE
HER. WE DO NOT SEE WHAT
SHE SEES. HIS DESK
BLOCKS OUR VIEW. PETER
SMILES. SHE FROWNS
AND PASSES QUICKLY TO
MALE EMPLOYEE#1.)
MALE EMPLOYEE#1
What's wrong? Is it Peter again?
FEMALE EMPLOYEE#1
Yeah, Peter Dick. He's so gross. What's wrong with him?
MALE EMPLOYEE#1
He's gross.
FEMALE EMPLOYEE#1
Actually a nice guy, but he's got a problem. What a Big problem!
MALE EMPLOYEE#1
Everybody knows it. No secret.
(GLANCES AT PETER.)
Oh, oh, I think he's getting up!
FEMALE EMPLOYEE#1
Christ! Let's go to my office.
MALE EMPLOYEE#1
Yeah.
(GLANCES AT PETER IN DISGUST.)
I might just vomit.
(AS THEY EXIT TOGETHER, PETER
REACTS.)
PETER
Morning - !
(THEY RUN OFF, WHICH DOESN'T
SEEM TO
BOTHER PETER AT ALL.
HE STARES AT THE
EIFFEL TOWER MODEL, LEANS
FORWARD, LIFTS
IT OFF LIKE A ROCKET,
STRAIGHT UP,
STRAIGHT DOWN, STRAIGHT
UP - AT THIS
POINT, FEMALE EMPLOYEE#2
ENTERS. SHE GOES
TO THE FILING CABINET,
SHRUGS A SHOULDER
AS IF TO RELIEVE SOME DISCOMFORT,
OPENS A
DRAWER, AND PROCEEDS
TO LOOK THROUGH THE
FILES. PETER'S ATTENTION
RIVETS ON HER.)
(ALOUD, SO SHE HEARS.)
Yes, sir, health is my greatest treasure.
It's all I've got that's really mine.
To be sure. More priceless than - plutonium.It's what I want. You better believe it.
FEMALE EMPLOYEE#2
Huh? Are you hitting on me? I'm working.
PETER
Oh, excuse me. You're new here. My name's
Peter. Peter Dick. I noticed you wiggled your shoulder a moment ago. Like your dorsal muscles were sore. Probably because they're flabby. And you probably strained them trying to lift a heavy object. Like your car. Am I right?
FEMALE EMPLOYEE#2
My car? You're joking. Actually, It was my vacuum cleaner.
PETER
I'm not joking. You were trying to lift a vacuum cleaner. Am I right?
FEMALE EMPLOYEE#2
Hey, I just told you - .
PETER
Yes, I see.
FEMALE
EMPLOYEE#2
I
guess I twisted wrong. I wasn't thinking.
Really, like who thinks lifting a vacuum cleaner
is important? When people are starving and we've got
to stop polluting the environment or -
PETER
Die.
That's the point, isn't it?
You didn't care about your shoulder.
What's a stupid,little shoulder?
FEMALE
EMPLOYEE#2
Okay,
I know I should've been more conscious.
(FEMALE
EMPLOYEE#3 ENTERS.)
FEMALE EMPLOYEE#3
(GIGGLES.)
Hi, Peter.
PETER
Hi. I'm Peter Dick.
(SHE
EXITS, GIGGLING.
HE RESUMES CONVERSATION.)
Tres
Dangerrouss, mon cherry. But, nevertheless,
you're
brilliant, what you said. About people
starving. There are so many - levels, uh, of
meaning - like, uh, my own Eiffel Tower - see,
on my desk - levels going up and up. Long.
Enormous implications in everything we do.
Big.
FEMALE
EMPLOYEE#2
True.
(A
MOMET'S PUZZLEMENT.)
Yeah. About this morning, you know?
I rushed out so fast, I forget to bring my lunch money.
No, no, it's okay. Really, uh, Peter?
PETER
You
got it. Peter Dick.
FEMALE
EMPLOYEE#2
Hi.
Oh, gosh, excuse me, I'm Sarah Mozart.
Anyway,
I'm on a diet. I got to drop calories.
A
few dozen, uh, thousand, okay, maybe a million
fat cells. Hey, I'm honest.
(PETER
KEEPS HIS HAND IN HIS POCKET.)
PETER
Great
-
(TAKES HIS HAND OUT. HE LOOKS
EXCITED, ANXIOUS, AND PUZZLED.)
- that's, uh, hard, uh, to do.
Taking responsibility for your, uh, stampeding fat
cells. You respect your body, don't you? That's very
wise. I respect you.
FEMALE
EMPLOYEE#2
Thank
you. It's my temple.
You know what fat looks like when it's frozen?
Like mud. Hard, white mud. It's disgusting.
PETER
My
point, exactly. You could be here today.
Like
right now. There.
(POINTS AT HIS FEET.
SHE LOOKS DOWN
ALONG
HIS TROUSERS.)
And tomorrow, heck, maybe this afternoon,
you've got leprosy. This is deep stuff.
What can we do?
FEMALE
EMPLOYEE#2
(THINKING.)
Stop
eating?
Not right away, of course. But - uh, slowly.
PETER
(LOOKS AT HER, DUBIOUSLY.)
Exercise!
Wow, you really know what you're doing.
That's impressive.
FEMALE
EMPLOYEE#2
Thank
you. Just between you and me, this job?
Like what I'm doing here? Isn't what I Really do.
I'm studying for a Ph.D. in virtual reality.
At night -.
PETER
Yeah,
you got to be on the ball.
Now, a cold. The first sign of sore throat,
eat lots of oranges.
FEMALE
EMPLOYEE#2
Uh-huh.
(MALE
EMPLOYEE#3 ENTERS,
LOOKING MISCHIEVOUS.)
MALE
EMPLOYEE#3
Hey,
Peter, ma man, what's Up?!
PETER
Peter
Dick.
(THE MAN
EXITS, LAUGHING.
PETER RETURNS TO SARAH.)
And,
this is the point, you've got to be
Aware of your entire body.
Self-examination!
FEMALE
EMPLOYEE#2
Self-
what?
PETER
Spot
a problem just beginning.
You have a 90% chance of cure. Take lumps.
Guys
get lumps, am I right? Huh?
Women get lumps, I mean, like breast lumps.
90%!
(SIGHS.)
It
can become really viral.
I
can lose everything. The works.
It's damn insidious.
One day you're feeling great, leaping over
tall buildings, more powerful than a locomotive.
Then - Crash! - Reality Torpedo -
you're potato salad. Alone In A Bowl.
(SHAKES HIS HEAD. THOUGHTFUL.)
That's
why self-examination is so important!
Every morning, right out of bed, I stand
square in front of my mirror and -
(WAIST SHOT. HIS HAND GOES
TO HIS ZIPPER.)
FEMALE
EMPLOYEE#2
Hey,
what - !
PETER
-
check for lumps in my penis.
(HE TRIES TO UNZIP HIS ZIPPER.
IT IS STUCK.)
FEMALE
EMPLOYEE#2
God,
you are sick!
(SHE
STOMPS OFF.
PETER APPEARS PUZZLED
BY
HER DIAGNOSIS.
THE COUPLE AT THE
START
OF THE SKETCH
ENTER.
THEY SEE PETER
TUGGING
AT HIS
ZIPPER. QUICK
REACTION
CUTS. AGHAST, BUG-EYED.)
PETER
(CLOSEUP.)
Gee,
I hope not.
FADE
OUT
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